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I know that your advice won’t take my problem away. Only I can do that. I was just hoping you could shed some light on my situation if you had the time. Here goes…

I have endometriosis. Makes my menstrual cycle extremely painful. That’s how it started. But, I let it get out of hand. I just turned 23 this summer. About 3 years ago, I started taking percocets. Low doses at first, 5-10mg. Of course, my tolerance increased as did my addiction. I knew nothing about what was happening to me. I didn’t even connect the dots at first – I just knew I was extremely sick and uncomfortable if I didn’t take anything. On top of dealing with this, I worked full-time and was a full-time college student. I was embarrassed and I just wanted to get back to normal without being "outted," so to speak.
Someone told me about suboxone. I thought I was cured! I was buying them illegally for almost a year. Again, oblivious to the fact that I was using a band-aid for a wound that needed stitches. [Don't listen to anyone who tells you that Suboxone is the way to go - it is just jumping from one drug to another. TRUST ME THE WITHDRAWAL IS THE SAME!!!]
Anyway, when the connection I had fell through, I was forced to quit the Suboxone cold turkey. It was hell. The physical withdrawal was insane, not to mention the difficulty I experienced when attempting to control my negative thoughts. Oh, and on top of wanting to crawl out of my skin, I had to hide it from everyone around me. Somehow, I did it. I layed around for about a week and a half before deciding that I was going to control my thoughts and start thinking positively. I started getting out little by little – taking a drive, going to a lake – by myself at first. But by the beginning of the Fall Semester of 2008 (Aug. 31st!), I was back to work as a waitress and dealing with a grueling school schedule.
I stayed clean throughout the entire semester. I never felt better. Then, In January of this year, I got my monthly friend and was admitted into the hospital. I was given pain medicine to get me through it. This is where I screwed up. I let my head get to me and thought that, after only 2 weeks of being on pain medicine, I needed to take Suboxone to ween myself off. I just didn’t want to feel withdrawal ever again!!! Then, the Spring semester started…and I was already stuck. I took the Suboxone throughout the entire semester…I told myself I didn’t have a choice because I didn’t have time to go through withdrawal – I had 5 classes, an internship and a full-time job.
I got my Bachelor’s Degree in May. Actually, I graduated Magna Cum Laude and maintained a full academic scholarship throughout my college career. Unfortunately, getting clean wasn’t the very next thing I did. It is now September. I haven’t worked all summer. I hide inside and I’m TOTALLY depressed because I can’t get a grip on this. I even slipped further backwards and started taking narcotics this summer (about 40mg of opiates a day when I was at my worst).
Within the last 2 weeks, I have been trying different things to get through it…ultimately, slipping up and taking a percocet a few days ago. I am aware that Tramadol is just as dangerous. I certainly do not intend on switching to it. However, two days ago I took two 35mg pills and today I took one 35mg pill (they are hot pink and pretty big – I’m pretty sure they were 35 mg). It helps, as expected. If I only take a half of one tomorrow and then stop completely the next day, will this ease me through the withdrawal symptoms? Or am I just prolonging the inevitable?
I have no insurance and going to rehab isn’t an option. I have a family member who was an addict and I don’t want everyone going through that again. I cannot stress that enough. No matter how much you encourage it, I’m not going to go to a rehab facility. I would love to, but it’s not an option. Besides, I know I can do this. I already did it once. It should be easier this time considering a few close friends are now aware of my situation, including my boyfriend (who i live with). So I have the support. I don’t know why I can’t be stronger.
I’m struggling big time and I don’t know if I am wasting my time by taking Tramadol or if it is going to make this process bearable for me. Right now, it’s making it bearable and I don’t feel high – still feel pretty shitty, actually, but it’s tolerable. I just HATE being that uncomfortable. There is nothing like it. I start to freak out and get really upset (which, of course, only makes it worse). Once that happens, it can take me hours to get a grip and calm down. It is physical and mental agony. This time, however, I can’t go back. Period. So, I’m looking for a way to make it any easier. I think it might be wishful thinking. What’s surprising is that I have been an athlete for a long time – gymnastics, softball and soccer mainly. I have dealt with pain; I have dealt with difficult.

That is a very difficult situation. Just so you know (if you do not) Suboxone is typically the ideal choice. HOWEVER, it needs to be prescribed by a psychiatrist who can monitor you. For the vast majority of people Suboxone does work and can be stopped but it takes time and expertise. Drugs like Methadone and Suboxone are used to withdrawal patients and, in some cases, to maintain. Many people take methadone and live a fully functional life without withdrawal. They continue the dependence but stop the behavior and problems that come with addiction. My point is that cold turkey is never good and you have to see a doctor. A big issue is that you do actually have pain and at times might need pain control. A doctor can help control pain even in people with opioid dependency.

As for Tramadol. Yes, it can help with withdrawal. But often people do it on their own and do it badly. People commonly take large amount of Tramadol because normal doses do not relieve withdrawal or provide any high. Tramadol is at best 1/20th as powerful as oxycodone. And a high dose of Tramadol cause seizure AND the symptoms of opioid OD and it can not be fully reversed in a hospital like it can be with drugs like oxycodone or morphine. Even with the best intentions people can easily start using 200-700 mg of Tramadol at one time.

In the end you need help from a doctor.

You asked why you can’t stop- it is because your brain needs (and probably wants) opioids. Your brain chemistry, even genetics becomes altered after years of drug use. That is not to say your brain is "broken" it is not- but now it needs something. That is why detox exists, to give the body some time to adapt.

This entry was posted on Wednesday, September 23rd, 2009 at 9:25 pm and is filed under withdrawal narcotics. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.