aubenades.org

I have generalized anxiety disorder. I also have emetophobia and depression. Each one of these things FUELS one or both of the other 2.
(use Google or Wikipedia if you don’t know what any of these are.)

So, the problem i am facing is, my fiance’s parents are giving him shit, telling him to ‘get rid of her(me)’ that all i am doing is using him and i am a lazy good for nothing.

The reality is, i panic, a lot. I can’t go to public places very often because of this. i literally can’t breathe and can’t stand up for very long. yes this is serious Yes i have been to a DR. They want to put me on xanax. a highly addictive narcotic.

I, of course, refused that treatment because i have personally known people that have taken Xanax either for a short period, or a long period of time and have had the following:

1.) Major life changes, not always for the better. Mostly personality. The drug seems to make them a completely different person. A lady i knew in my old neighborhood was on xanax for 15 years. before she got on xanax things were going alright (she had mild anxiety, couldn’t ride in a car and became agoraphobic.) till her husband interjected and asked her to go get help. years later, he ended up leaving her several times because "she just wasn’t the same person she used to be… i don’t now what happened (it was the drugs)" He later committed suicide. Some more years later, the same lady ran into financial problems, and was forced to come off her high-dose of xanax too quickly. she had a nervous breakdown and nearly died of heart problems in a rehabilitation facility. I was there at her home with her daughter the day she came home. She was a completely different person. there was a different look in her eyes. She was off the xanax. Her daughter even looked at me and said quietly "She doesn’t look ‘ok’…" The lady then started going off about how her daughter and i had let the house ‘go’ (as in, it was not clean according to her standards, which, it was actually worse before she left. in an effort to make her feel better and have a somewhat different environment when she got home from rehab, i helped her daughter clean up the house and re-arrange and re-decorate.) and cleaning things out of the refrigerator, just random things. yelling, cussing, so on…

I would have never imagined her to be like this, and i had never seen her like this before. it was scary. so i left there, moved away. (not because of her, just because i had to)

now, her daughter tells me frequently that her mother has changed so much. she hates everything and everyone and she doesn’t ever want to be left alone. She is scared to say it, but she almost wants her back on those terrible drugs.

2.) Xanax can kill you if you do not follow directions and abuse it, like 40% of the people who have the prescription for it.

3.) it obviously does not ‘cure’ what ever mental ailment is burdening you. it only masks it for a short while until your body becomes immune to it, causing your DR to raise the dosage….you can see where this is going.

you’re supposed to have therapy of some sort along with these medications to aid in ‘recovery’ That costs money and lots of it. I don’t blame them, i would want to get paid to hear people talk about their lives and help them find a way to solve their problems. The only real problem is the money. I can fight through claustrophobia and sit in a session with a therapist, but i can’t pay for it. Why?

I love to work. I love to help people. i love helping people find solutions to their problems and making them happy. it makes me feel great knowing i have helped someone.

but for 4 years now, i have helped no one. I cannot work around people. soon as someone talks to me, i start feeling it in my throat, my throat closes up and i can’t speak. my chest gets tight and my stomach starts to churn. then i feel immediately as if i will vomit.

how is that going to work at a customer service job? or any job for that matter? Constantly having to excuse myself from work because i am not sure if i am going to throw up or have diarrhea, or just not be able to breathe very well. I know there are jobs that don’t require much customer interaction, i just haven’t found it yet. I have also looked into working from home, which, that’s a complete joke. You can’t work from home unless you have money to start with.

Anyways. my fiance’s parents think i am faking this, and i am a complete joke between them all. (not my fiance)

my question for them is:

Why would i go out of my way to make mine and my future husbands life a miserable hell? (me not working = financial problems = hell.)
Why would i ‘fake’ something like this for 4 FUC KING YEARS, WASTE MY LIFE AND WASTE EVERYONE’S’ TIME.

there is help out there, i just haven’t found it.

any ideas yahoo answers?

sorry so long. If you didn’t read it, don’t reply please. thanks.
Also, i’d like to add that i have taken one xanax before. a .25 mg. the next 6 – 8 hours i felt as if i had no muscles and i was so tired i couldn’t see straight. I need to be able to work in order to pay all the medical bills i am about to endure. Hopefully the next time i go they will prescribe me something else. The last DR insisted on xanax and re-assured me that if i followed directions, nothing bad would happen, and if it did, to let her know.

however, that’s not the point. Xanax really, truly is a life altering drug. I don’t want to be healed if i am going to be a completely different person.
And yes, my fiance loves me, understands me and is here for me. He says he doesn’t care what they say but it gets him soooo mad. I think we will just move to canada. I’ll wait 3 more years (to be a citizen) and have it all taken care of free. WTG OBAMACARE!

People dont understand what they dont have…if you know what i mean.

This entry was posted on Thursday, November 12th, 2009 at 5:46 am and is filed under recovery narcotics. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.